Falling Into Place This Fall

...what am i hearing? Nothing but the sounds coming from my stereo; and I have nothing but time on my hands. I have literally been going non-stop since August. It feels good to have nowhere to be. I left for DC and spent a week there, then worked almost every day for a week, then packed up to drive to Indiana. We were there a week and then drove to E-City-then to Rutherfordton-then back to E-city-then back to Rutherfordton, then to Orlando...and finally after 30 days I'm home. This down time will be short lived because we have less than a month to be out of our apartment. My trip ended up being a series of projects. While in Indiana, the most relaxing part of the trip, I had a bicycle accident and flipped over the handle bars into a huge patch of poison ivy. I severly hurt my back and still have yet to get an x-ray but thinking i may have to since the pain is still there 3 weeks later. I got poison ivy as well. Joy to the world. Then I had to sit on my itchy ass for 15 hours while we drove to NC. Not exactly a great ride. Once in NC it was party mode for the upcoming wedding. The bachlorette party was interesting...i have photos I'm not allowed to post. We had a week till the wedding to I went to Rutherfordton and helped Kristen and Aaron with their huge project. Cleaning a hoarding house. It was the most mind blowing thing to walk into a house that was completely full of stuff piled to the ceiling and only paths that go from room to room. This project was something I just wanted to tackle. We worked for hours and got a lot done. Then I had to go back to e-City for the Josh and Loreli's wedding....UGH! What a horrible idea, why did I ever agree to be the photographer. I initially had said that I didn't want to be the photographer when he first asked me, but Josh got the best of me by begging...and I finally agreed to do it. Long Story...a separate blog for that story. Anyways wedding over..thank God! Then I get sick not to mention I still have poison ivy this entire time. I stayed in the bed at moms house for 3 days and then ended up on the road home....following Kristen and Aaron. I was supposed to stay in Orlando with them until the 9th, but that fell through because of some unfortunate circumstances. Granted, there were many good times on this trip but I feel like if it weren't for bad luck on this trip I wouldn't have had any at all. I did get to meet my sister-in-law Shawna and her husband and their two kids in Indiana. It's nice to finally have met most of my nieces and nephews. I still have 3 more to meet at some point.

However, being in E-City at the Pelican Marina again sparked something in us. We remembered how fun it was to live at a marina. It's such a laid back way of life, and the people around you are so positive and fun. I miss that atmosphere. We both decided we wanted to move to a boat when we got back. We live in Florida, why not live on the water. We have found a boat already that is perfect. It needs some TLC but it will be the perfect fit for our little family. We will be able to bring a few pieces of furniture on it with us, but most of our stuff we will be in storage. In this economy it helps to cut costs where you can....this move will be a huge help when it comes to saving money. I'm so excited.

I fell in love with the countryside in Indiana. There were miles and miles of rolling farm land and beautiful tree covered hills. The farms were so beautiful out there. It's old country, it feels like time moves slower up there. There are no big lights or buildings, you can see all the stars at night. The caves are awesome, there are definitely a lot of beautiful places to explore. We were there just as the leaves were starting to change...if only I had been there a couple weeks later. That would have been spectacular. I started looking at the real estate magazines while I was there and realized how cheap it was to live there! I made up my mind that I will own some land up there in the next couple years and then I want to build a log cabin on the land in the future. I'm already getting the design drawn out, it's fun to actually design my vacation home! We are going to build a barn first, it will have a guest house above it. We will stay there while the cabin in under construction. Our timber will be cut off our land and then taken to a saw mill to be cut; once the boards are cut we will store them in the lower half of the barn to dry. Once dry we will treat the wood and then begin building over the basement. It's just a vision now, but it's on it's way to becoming a reality! I'm very excited about this.

All in all things are going well. It feels good to be moving onto a boat. I'm rather bummed out that I'm not going to be able to spend any time with Kristen in Orlando, but that life. Can't always get what you want. I'm probably going to pick up some shitfs this week since I have nothing else to do. Then again we have to find a marina....I think we will end up at Maderia Beach Marina. I'll update later!

The Ginko Leaf

[this is a picture of my sister and & in the fall of 1996 raking "OK" in the yard of yellow ginkgo leaves]

Sarah and I just got back from Washington DC. We met our Dad and his wife Karen there on Tuesday. Dad wanted to go to the Restoring Honor Rally on the 28th. It ended up being a GREAT experience. While we were there we went to several of the Smithsonian museums, saw the monuments, and ate some wonderful food!!! In fact I think I ate the best meal of my life there. Anyways while we were walking around we were passing Ginkgo trees left and right. The leaves were just starting to turn yellow on the edges. I mentioned something about how pretty it would be to have a ginkgo tattoo. It was pretty much a 2 minute conversation for my sister to enthusiastically agree on the concept and we then started to look for a tattoo shop with good artists. I think she and I both were itching for a new tattoo, but even more so this tattoo has special meaning to both of us.

While Sarah and I were growing up we lived in Jonesboro Arkansas. We had the biggest Ginkgo tree in the state in our yard. It was growing beside the 7 ft brick wall that surrounded our back yard. We spend countless hours in that tree playing "spy" and just pretending that we were whatever we wanted to be. One year Sarah fell out of the tree onto the brick sidewalk outside wall...that was scary! In either September or October the leaves would turn a bright yellow and fall; covering our back yard with yellow ginkgo leaves. To say the least when I think of the ginkgo tree I think of sisterhood. I think of growing up and the memories we made; it captures a time in my childhood that was the happiest. It's pretty hard to describe how many emotions and memories a leaf can contain. I'm sure in Sarah's mind she has a different set of memories when she looks at the same leaf.

While in DC I learned some very interesting things about Ginkgo Trees...

#1 The Ginkgo Tree was the only tree to survive the Hiroshima's bombings blast site.

#2: The Ginkgo is a prehistoric tree. Many different ginkgo species that are now extinct are found in the same soil as the dinosaurs.

#3: The word ginkgo means "long life".

now i havent done the research on all that yet...so i'll report back to tell you which are true.

random thoughts and statements in my head right now

I really need to get out of the house and go to the bank!

I sure wish we knew where we would be living in less than two months, i wish we could find the right house.

Debt free is in sight!!!!

I hope Brittany will be able to pick up my shift this Sunday. I just wish I didn't have to work the Warped Tour too....I've been trying for 6 weeks now to visit this church that only has night services and this will be one more week I won't be able to go.

I wonder if the devil is trying to keep me from being able to go to this church.

I wish I was a better people person and that I was more comfortable talking to people I don't know well. If I was better at that it would change how I can build our business.

I need to start working on the extensive Christmas presents I'm making this year. I've already started my salvage art projects though. I'm making for friends & family...it's kinda my art right now. It's fun to give someone something that you made, not bought. I like going to peoples houses and seeing something I put effort into on display or in use in someone home. It's a very cost effective way to do Christmas.



Here is an old tie rack that I'm converting to my necklace holder!

Ooo, after typing that it really motivated me to go start making them!!! - AFTER I go to the bank. UGH! Responsibilities.



My new bedroom rocks!!!




I need to start pushing myself with P90x. I've not been Bringing IT like I could. I haven't been sticking to my diet either, so I'm back on track this week. [this pic in the am before I had eaten that day. thats always the best time to take pics for me.



I feel like I'm 12 when I wear these soes, but they make me happy.

YOGA

Well today was my fourth p90x workout and I'm loving it! It's hard but I feel good after it. However, I think that Yoga is going to be something I continue doing on a regular basis after I finish the program. I really enjoyed it today. I love how completely flexible I was after my workout was finished. I took my before pictures, and I'm really excited to see where I will be after the first 30 days. More than anything I just want my endurance and flexibility to increase. I really do want to run at least a half marathon this year, and I believe that p90x will give me the boost I need to be capable of training.

On another note, Jamie and I are officially business owners. It's very cool. We are apart of a world wide marketing business and it has so many facets that there really is a way for everyone to make money in it. If you guys are interested in supporting us I can send you my website and I can get you set up with a customer account. We are in our first week and we have a wonderful team of positive people backing us up and trying to help us jump start things. There are products from food to computers to make up to cleaning products. We are excited about the opportunities, the only thing that can get in our way is ourselves at this point. With our team and our education department it's pretty much fool proof.

I'm worn out, tomorrow is Friday and I'm going to knock out another work out and try to get my mom's pictures organized the rest of the way. I'm going to get a hot bath and then read a book for the rest of the evening.

Day 2 of P90x

I STARTED p90x!!!! Yesturday was my first work out and today I feel it all over. I did the core synergistcs video first. Today is cardio and ab ripper. It's nice to be sore, I'm not so sure I'll like the feeling in a few days from now concidering I'm working out every day this week. I'm very thankful for the book I mentioned in my last blog, it was the extra boost I needed to get me off my butt and to quit making excuses.

I've got a few days off to get some stuff done around the house, and in town. I'm going to read all day tomorrow, I'd like to finish that book. We have a meeting for our business tomorrow night as well. I'm excited, Jamie and I have branched out in faith to try our wings at something new. Hopefully we will be able to generate cash and make some extra money. Well this is a short blog, I dont have much to say.

= ] bye bye

BIG CHANGE

I have decided to take the lemons I've been handed and make lemonade. I know there is so much more I can do to make my own quality of life, and that of my husband, better. I've spend the past couple weeks hurting, crying, seeking answers to questions that are far beyond my reach only to realize that I can do nothing about it. I'm only hurting myself by staying so upset about everything. I've started reading the book 'The Magic of Thinking BIG' and it's already changing the way I see myself and others. Even more so it is changing how I want to react to situations in life and the type of attitude I want to have. I've always been more on the pessimistic side of life and I never have liked it. I know it's not natural for my personality type to be super upbeat when things get rough, but who's to say I can't change me. I'm at the point now where I don't want to look at things and say "I can't" or give excuses for why something can't be done. I know it's not going to happen over night but I'm ready to begin doing a remodeling on my heart and attitude. I'm ready to stop looking at ministry like it's a mountain I can't climb, and stop thinking that I'll never really open the photography studio I want so badly. I'm going to speak my goals and trust God with the rest. All this stuff I've known and heard before but I never cared enough to put forth the effort to make the changes in myself. For 23 years I've allowed negative thoughts to take ground over positive ones, but starting now I've got a new outlook. I'm writing scriptures and positive sayings on 3x5 cards and putting them in my house in random places to encourage me.

I'm DONE sulking and letting the bad situations around me bring me down. I'm DONE feeling sorry for myself. I'm DONE sitting at home making excuses for everything I'm not getting done. Monday [a.k.a. tomorrow] I'm starting p90x. No more excuses. I'm going to think positive and push through and make a difference in my health. I'm not going to think about how much better it would be if I had a partner to do it with, or if I had someone to help me with my diet plan or if I didn't have asthma. No more excuses. NONE. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life living only 50% of the time. I want to enjoy and get the most out of my life 100% of the time. Instead of thinking I can't, I'm going to think of how I can.

"The right attitude and one arm will beat the wrong attitude and two arms every time"

STORM

I don't think i can handle anything else emotionally right now. I can't talk to anyone about whats going on, and things just keep compounding. I don't want to talk to anyone at this point because I have nothing happy to say and I have to keep everything else confidental. I'd rather not have to fake a conversation like I'm okay. I'm angry; Actually I don't even think I'm that anymore, I'm numb. I just want all this to be over with and in the past....and I want peace. I don't understand why all the bad things have to hit right at once. back to back to back. Can I at least cope with one thing first before I get hit with another. Not to mention my best friend is dealing with a death in her family and we are both spent and can't do anything except sit there in silence on the phone with each other. There are no words of comfort sometimes....just the comfort of having someone hurt right along with you on the other line.

I know how I handle situations in life is my own choice. I just feel like some situations are bigger than what I can cope with and I shut down. I'm frustrated because I haven't found a church here and I know if I had found one that suited us that I would be more hopeful than I am now during all this. I've researched some others that I will visit; I know God will show us the right place. I just wish I had that support right now.

To top all the other stuff off that I've been going through I found out today that instead of getting almost $1000 back for my camera [which would allow me to buy a D90] I'm getting less than $300. There will be no camera upgrade for me in the near future.

Where is the oxygen in here. I have got to let go of some serious stuff. I've cried more tears in the last 2 weeks than I've cried since my last break up. I've been praying and I just wonder where God is right now. This has zapped my energy. I finally have all the stuff I need for P90x and I can barely find the energy to get out of bed. I know this is all the devil right now and he won't win; but he sure is putting up a good fight. God please be near me and my family during everyting happening. Let your will be done, and let me grow stronger as a person and grow closer to you. I'm sorry for trying to control all of this by myself.

i hate this

and i can't tell anyone.

Last Day of May

Well, tomorrow begins the 6th month of 2010. I can't believe this much of the year has already come and gone. I'm working lunch shift today and then I have all week off pretty much. It's been very encouraging to hear from customers and other servers how good of a job they think I'm doing. I was so scared to be a server after my high school experience in the restaurant industry. even though it's not what I want to do for a long time it's nice to know I'm at least good at it. Anyways, during my days off I plan on spending some time at the beach working on skim boarding. I'm horrible at it but I'd like to get better. Hmmm....i may be covered in bruises if I do try though.

I must say this...I MISS MY CAMERA SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who ever stole it better be getting some good use out of it. I'm so inspired by some of my fb friends. There is one guy who's work is absolutely incredible! He's got such a good eye for very abstract shots. After looking at his stuff it made me want to go take my camera out and try some new things. Alas, there is no camera. *SIGH* There is still so much i want to learn how to do with my camera. I guess most of it actually has to do with learning how to use photoshop. I've never once used it and I need to learn. It's so expensive though.

June is upon us, and I don't know what is going on this month. We had really thought seriously about going to New Orleans but I don't think we can afford it. I guess some of our yardsale money got put in the account and never got taken back out..therefore got spent. I want to go see Seth and Lauren but I just don't know if that will happen or not. :( In July or August we are going to Indiana for Jamie's family reunion, and since I still haven't met any of his family on his dad's side I think that should take priority. We will see. I gotta go to work soon....And i have nothing else to say right now.

Happy Things

*Having overly ripe sweet grapefruit juice running down my face
*Laying out in the sweltering sun until I sweat & then slipping into the cold pool
*A really cold beer
*steel drums
*having people wonder what in the world could be so interesting to take pictures of in a field of grass
*regae music
*how my little dog curls up right next me to all night long
*The feeling of being clean after a hot shower
*Dancing to a song who's beat speaks to my soul.
*I love being completely submerged in water. I wish i could hold my breath forever
*Being served fresh seafood & steamed veggies while I sit outdoors watching the ocean
*how an acoustic guitar sounds in an empty room
*the feeling of pure excitement after a long car ride, when I'm finally rolling into my destination.
*i love how i don't care anymore if people like me or not.

I wish every day could be completely perfect...if i could spend every day outdoors or at the beach or in the water....

Jamie comes home from Vero tonight. I've missed him. I work tonight and tomorrow and then I'll probably have the week off again. I might ride to vero myself & see my father in law & niece. Or I may take Brian up on going snorkling!!! He saw a manatee and got to pet it. I think that sounds pretty awesome. I'd like to do that. I'm happy today. i love being happy. I wish I was always this happy! haha.

NO Wedding Pictures

I'm very sad, my one year anniversary is coming up and I don't have any of my wedding photos or engagement photos. I can't afford them. I don't know what to do about it....I guess there is nothing I can do. I just wish I had asked how much it would cost to buy them. I figured once I had shelled out almost $5,000 that I wouldn't have to spend another $3,000 to just get my hands on the pictures. I got ripped off. I'm going to start a fund and fit it into our budget and maybe in a few years I can afford them. Of all days for my camera to be out of battery [with no charger to be found] and my sisters camera to be lost it had to be my wedding day! My cousins all had to leave due to my Aunt being in the hospital [so she & my uncle didn't get to see my wedding] and my cousin was the one with the video camera.....so I had no video of my wedding either. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why ME!!! The one thing I cared most about was the pictures and i have nothing. The only ones I do have I took with my camera through my computer screen as i was watching the "slide-show" the photographers sent me.

I'm looking at all my friends and my cousin posting their wedding photos and it makes me want to cry every time because I don't have any. NOT FAIR. If anyone reads this and you happened to be at my wedding and took pictures of it please send me a disk of the photos. I'd love to print some out to send to my grandparents and family.

Sorry to complain but this bothers me so much.

Heart Ties

I don't know if I can even find the words to really express myself right now. I feel very confused about the people in my life that I call friends or still love as a friend. Which ones actually care as much about me as I do about them. I have people in my life who I haven't seen in several years that I absolutely love to death and think about often; sadly I don't know if I even run through their minds. I think one of the worst feelings in the world is having someone who was at one point in time your very best friend just stop talking to you. The reason why doesn't even matter...it's just so sad to watch someone who will always carry a part of your heart just walk away with it. I wonder if I could have done something that would have made a difference in how our friendships have dissipated. There isn't a single one that has "ended" in a fight or even on bad terms; it's been mostly just time and events in our life pulling us in separate directions. I hate that!!! Why do people stop being close to one another just because they can't see each other or because of life just keeps moving forward. I miss my friends....all of them. All the ones I grew up with and never see or talk to anymore. I miss them terribly! it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I miss the ones who are still in contact with me & I'm scared of losing them like I have others. I don't know what I can do to rekindle friendships....I try to always make a gesture to let them know how much i miss them & care about them. So far I haven't felt like any one of them feels how I do.

I know people will come and go in my life, but I don't understand why the people closest to me have to fall away. I want to be 50 or 60 and still be close to the people I love now. I want my kids to know their kids...and I just wish it could be like that more. I don't want to lose any more friendships. I don't feel like people really understand how loyal a friend I am. I've said this before in a blog...my true friends to me are looked at as family in my eyes. There isn't one thing I wouldn't do for them. Maybe I'm ridiculous to think that I can keep friends for a lifetime, but I just don't see whats so hard about it. I'm honestly afraid to branch out here in Florida and make friends because I just feel like the same thing will happen all over again. I just want to know that I mean as much to the people I love as they mean to me.

It's getting late. I doubt I'll be able to sleep but I need to try. I worked all night last night & tonight and I work tomorrow too. Seems they are only putting me on the schedule on weekends. We got a new GM & he has cut everyones hours back to save the restaurant money during the slow season. I'm just thankful he has me working the days I make the most money.

Osprey Island

Lately I'm not really into writing blogs about anything serious, but since I'm not keeping a journal I feel like I should record my adventure before I forget all the details. Jamie got home from work completely tired yesterday. I figured we would spend the evening at home but for whatever reason he asked if I wanted to go kayaking....and I added that we should kayak to an island and camp. So in about an hour we had things all packed up and headed for our launch site. It took us about 20 min to kayak to where we stayed. Since we had to put everything in our kayaks we had to pack light. [2 gallons of water, tarp, 2 towels, sheet, bug spray, a little bit of food, lighters, machete, flash lights] We got to our little island with a little less than two hours of light left. It was about half a mile around...maybe slightly larger. We set up our tarp and then went on the hunt for wood to make a fire with. This was my first time really camping and I loved it! We named the island Osprey Island because there was an osprey that pretty much owned the place. We walked the island and got to explore some. We got a fire going and I pretty much was the one running it all night. My hands are completely raw from pulling limbs and stuff up all night to burn. It was a good fire! I only wish i had brought some marshmellows. The bugs didnt bother us at all and the breeze was perfect. We tried to look for some clams but only found oysters. Thank goodness Jamie was with me because i didn't know you don't want to eat oysters in a month without an R in it. But in the fall I'll be back there to steam some! I think next time we will bring a fishing pole or something too because there were fish everywhere. We just got to enjoy some time together and we are definately going to do this again soon.

I'm headed to work now. I'm closing tonight so I'll be there really late.

I'm Missing Parts

Since May 1st I've been having the time of my life! I've seen just about every state park within 30 miles of my house [there are lots of them]. Sarah and I met up with Matt one night and went to a hookah bar near my house, which rocked! On Thursday Jamie rented us a boat from the base and we took it out and island hopped! We had so much fun, Miller Lite and coconut rum w/ OJ were our two drinks of choice that day. We found so many cool shells and live creatures. It was by far the best day in my opinion; which is very odd because it is also the same day my Nikon was stolen. I set it down to help my sister and Jamie get the boat into the water and when I went back to get my camera [less than 10 min later] it was gone. I was so upset that I had to honestly just ignore it. It's starting to sink in now, i have no camera. I'm very sad about this, but I guess there is a reason for it. Maybe it's time for an upgrade! Friday Sarah and I drove to West Palm to see Sonia and her sweet baby! That was another 24 hours full of fun. We had some great food too at City Place. Now my house is very quiet...Sarah left yesterday morning. I slept almost the entire day yesterday and today caught up on house work. I feel tired still, I'm doing a detox to allow my body to get back to normal. We all drank alot...and I'm going back to the gym today.

All in all it was a wonderful two weeks. I miss everyone so much.

Slow Down Time

May 1st was the beginning of it all; Mom, Kristen, Aaron and Kendalyn got here. We had a lot of fun and went to a lot of beaches. Aaron left on Monday though for a job. Kristen & I took Kendalyn to 2 different aquariums and she absolutely had a blast! One was the Clearwater Marine Aquarium where they do a lot of rehabilitation for animals. The other was a small one in Tarpon Springs. She is definitely a water baby too, she loves the ocean. I'm thrilled to see her around Jamie because she has really taken to him and calls him "jay". I can't believe a week has already passed, that makes me sad. They are leaving Sunday night....but Sarah got here yesterday. I picked her up from the Tampa airport around 9:45 and we headed straight for the pool. I felt bad but I pooped out early last night and came to my house to sleep. I hated to miss the fun while everyone was around but I needed sleep badly! I was cranky. After work today I'm headed back to the condo for more fun. I think tonight is another game night or maybe we will take mom to Pier 60. I'm ready to eat something now. I just want to slow things down so I can enjoy the last day and a half while everyone is still here. I'll write more when I'm not in a hurry.

DANGER

I've tried to write this blog several times, I just can't seem to find the right words to express it right. Recently, as you know, I started working in the restaurant business. I've met lots of new and interesting people there. I'm still assessing personalities to see who is worth getting to know and who isn't. One girl really stuck out to me and I had high hopes of us becoming close friends. She was very open with me about her spiritual walk and seemed to share similar values as myself. I felt very comfortable around her and was beginning to open up to her about some personal things in my life as well. Last weekend I was invited to her house for a jewelry party, "Finally" I thought "a girls night out with some new friends!" Shortly after arriving I became aware of a situation that shocked me and make me very uncomfortable. I guess some marriages don't consider other females to be off limits. I came face to face with my own demons when I was least expecting it. I guess in conversation the idea of bringing someone else in on the fun, if you know what I'm saying, seemed like a fun idea to throw around. I found that coming face to face with the reality is actually disgusting and hurtful. I felt like I had been lied to! I was under the impression this girl was really seeking the Lord and trying to get her walk with God closer. Come to find out she seems to be a lot of talk and not alot of follow through. It blows my mind that she doesn't understand why her husband is so clingy and doesn't trust her out of his sight; maybe because you cheat on him right in front of him! He may say it is "okay" with him because society has taught that it is sexy for two females to be in the same bed with a man. But biblically being unfaithful isn't limited to the opposite sex. Trust is broken no matter how you look at it. I don't think she or her husband realize how deeply this will wound their relationship until much later. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this over the past 10 days. I was so upset about it, realizing that the one person I've met who seemed like a quality person was very deep into some things that I know I can never give myself a chance to be around. I'm so disgusted with society today, planting ideas into the heads of youth and families everywhere. It's cool to have a threesome, it's cool to experiment with girls, it's good to experiment so you can really find out who you are.....really people! It's not cool to do any of those things. Especially in the confines of a marriage. I'm not an exception, I've seen the lines blur into grey on these topics, but the closer I get to the Lord the more I see how truly black and white the lines are. I guess God had a plan for me when I met this girl, even though I'm upset that I will see no friendship blossom, she did lead me to a place in life where I allowed God to heal and forgive me. I'm glad that instead of getting angry that I have allowed God to remold me.

This evening Jamie & I are home and working on an old chest I bought. I'm hoping to finish it before before everyone gets here. I can't believe my mom, my best friend & her family will be here in 2 days! It hasn't even set in yet. I've been so caught up in things here. I can't wait!!! I miss them so much. Anyways I've got this old chest that I bought back in E-City and had every hope to restore it, but its just been sitting here catching dust. I'm taping over the metal today so I can spray paint it and then I'm going to get a green or maybe a blue to paint the metal with. It will be storage for all the blankets I have stacked against the wall in the back bedroom. I'll post pics! i'll update later.

My Birthday Through Pictures

he got mad that i was taking his picture and flew away
great blue heron



doin a little dance through the woods
clam
little begger. He took the nut right out of my hand.
big tree by the gulf
dead flowers

I spent my birthday afternoon at a state park. It was nice to just spend some time with my hubby doing what I love. We had squirrels begging for food and sea gulls swarming us. We found a hermit crab and some live clams that would just sit in our hand and open their shell up...it was cool! I'm tired though, I have to work for the rest of the week. I did find a bathing suit earlier today that I got on sale for $20; it had been $100. I love getting deals. I missed getting to talk to my sister today, but it doesn't help that my phone has been broken. Well it's bed time for me. Good night world.

The Clock Strikes 12

refreshing drink
my birthday plant
counting down

enjoying spring time sun

Well it's that time of year again. I've pretty much passed all major milestones in my life except AARP and senior discounts; I guess "Over The Hill" is waiting on me as well. I'll be turning 23 in about 43 minutes. I have nothing to do tomorrow, but I'm trying not to think about that since it might encourage crying fits or something melodramatic like that. Unfortunately my birthday tends to fall right in the middle of bad situations...[for instance my parents separation] this year Jamie's grammy died yesterday, and it's been very hard for him. It has only caused me to be sad as well. I don't do well watching my hubby upset. Keep us in your prayers please.

I've got to get some groceries tomorrow..i hate the grocery store. It takes forever to get everything i need. I need to get to the gym as well. I've put that off due to how busy i have been with work.

Gosh, I'm just soaked with self pity. I'm good for nothing right now. I should probably get some sleep...I want tomorrow to be a happy day for me. Night.

Little Bit of This & A Little Bit of That

I'm deprived of sleep and my best friend right now. I haven't talked to Kristen and had a quality conversation with her in weeks it seems. That depressed me in a way I don't like at all! I have a strange co-dependant need for her input in my daily life. We were doing really good at video chatting for awhile....not so much anymore. I think I'll send her a card to apologize for my inability to balance my life with all this work stuff I seem to be caught doing lately.

And I need some sleep. I can hear my husband snoring in the other room right now. It's pretty funny, I've become a fan of ear plugs recently. I'm actually rather co-dependant with them as well now. I doubt I can sleep without them. I never used to use them, I always just elbowed him in the side so he would roll over long enough so i could fall asleep before the snoring started up again. I'm not sure why I decided to use earplugs, but now that I have I can't seem to sleep at all without them. Even when he isn't home the little noises the dogs make or the cars outside and stuff keep me up. It's pretty pathetic. WOW, seriously....I just wrote a paragraph on my need for earplugs. This is a really deep topic, I'm sorry if reading this makes you uneasy. I guess I needed to get all that off my chest!

Now that the serious stuff has been said, [im cracking up at myself right now] I guess I shall fill you in briefly on my job and all that boring stuff. So I'm a waitress at a small chain called BD's Mongolian Grill. It's a pretty cool place and the food is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! Not to mention very healthy too. I've had some moments of sheer panic at the idea of serving again [my last waitressing jobs were horrible!] but im actually really enjoying this place. I work with some great people [some not so great as well]. Being around people again really has put my life in perspective, I realize how good I have it and how selfish I have been. I was already aware of my selfishness, but God is really giving me understanding and begining to change my heart in a lot of ways. I have a girl at work who is really a blessing to me! She shares many of the same views on life and Christ as I do. She grew up in a spirit filled church and is married with no kids like me as well. I'm really looking forward to getting to know her, I think we will be able to encourage each other and help each other get back on track.

I'm going to spend tomorrow doing nothing terribly important, maybe give the dogs a bath and tan some. Possibly go to the beach or take a nap. At some point I'll have to head to the gym and do some laps in the pool for cardio and then do abs and squats and pushups. I wish getting fit wasn't such a long process but ya know what nothing worth while happens quickly. I've got a layer on me right now that I have to shed....it wasn't there last summer and I don't like it. Especially my legs, they have always been so hard for me to tone. I have a tendancy to bulk up rather than slim down. I think God gave me man muscles on accident.

I'm enjoying this beautiful weather, so are my dogs. While we were in Vero last weekend we stopped at a wildlife reserve and let them run around and they were having so much fun. At this point in my life there is nothing that makes me smile as much as to see them romping through the grass at full speed. It's like running around is the best thing in the world to them. Especially little timmy, he is so tiny & it's so cute to watch him get so excited. It's 1:09....I should get some sleep. I have to get my darling husband up in a little more than 4 hours. Pics above are courtesy of my hubby :)

I'm slow moving this morning. I think the weekend is finally catching up with me! We were in Vero for the weekend at my sister in law's wedding. It was a good time, drama included. [what wedding doesn't include some] I had some booze while I was there, and I wish I hadn't because I gained 3 lbs. Bah! I hit the gym last night and I am going today for a little while before work too. My abs are back though!!!! I'm pretty excited about that, now I just need to get my legs back in shape. That will take some time. My goal weight is 115, and to maintain that. Which pretty much means I can't drink. Unless I'm doing shots [which i don't prefer] I always gain. So many stinking carbs and calories in drinks.

There isn't much to report on about the wedding, same as any other. I did have a great time with my family though. Especially Lindsey, we always have fun together. :) Jamie & I have had a turning point. I hope it's not just a phase but something that lasts. We are both really trying to give more and be more understanding. I really need to get stuff done around here. I'm so not motivated to do anything. Work for the rest of the week....this should be exciting.

It's Monday Once Again

Good morning world! I had a very strange dream last night. Very strange indeed. I'm loving how all my dreams now involve some aspect of waitressing. Last night I dreamed about a girl I used to know when I lived in High Point, NC. She was a good friend for awhile but I began to see that if I continued being her friend I'd end up in a VERY bad place and be caught up in a lot of things I didn't want to be apart of. She is the only person I considered a friend that I completely walked away from without every saying a word. It used to eat at me that I did that to her; but I know it was the right thing to do. My point is I haven't thought about her in a couple years and now I'm wondering why on earth my subconscious pulled her out of a locked drawer. I'm debating looking her up to see what she is up to. I should probably leave it alone and let my past demons stay in the past. Yes, I should be moving forward....not backward in this.

Today I hope will be a productive day. We are going to McDill AFB to get our taxes done. [we are slackers waiting till the last minute] We drove there a couple days ago and I was amazed at the size of that place. It's the size of the city I live in. We are throwing around the idea of living on base there; that would be interesting. My other plan for today is to get to the gym. We got a membership to LA Fitness! The place is huge, it's got a pool, sauna, hot tub, basket ball, free weights, and 100's of cardio machines. I'm sure I'll be able to find a system I like and get into working out again. I'm finally motivated, now that all this warm weather is here I realize my body isnt where I'd like it to be for swim suit season. :) I've got to leave in a minute, so I'll write later.