How Does One Become Extraordinary?

I am amazed again and again by these child prodigies I keep running across on youtube. I just listened to a 5 year old play a song so beautiful it made me want to cry. I can only imagine how far a gifted child could go in life. It makes me wonder though what makes a child or a person in general so extraordinary? Is talent like that born into a person? I wish I could go back and make my childhood self be good at something, to excel at something rather. I wonder if I had been truly gifted in one area where I would be now. I think I limit myself with my own brain most of the time and don't trust myself enough to excel. If I had one dream I would want to come true I would want to be a National Geographic Photographer. I would want to capture life and images of the world and have them published and acknowledged by millions.

For me being ordinary isn't good enough. I know I was made for bigger and better things than being an ordinary person. I know I'm no prodigy but I know this ordinary life I'm living isn't how it will always be. I understand that some people are comfortable to blend in and just live an average simple life, but I just can't see myself being in those shoes forever. Right now my life seems so average but on the inside of me it's a whirlwind of dreams and goals and plans that have yet to unfold. I want to live an extraordinary life. When my life is ended I want to be able to rest knowing I've done everything I wanted and that I have lived out the calling God has on my life. I feel like a slug who wants to run a marathon. haha! I feel like I cant get things moving fast enough to get where I want to be.

This life is something else...never a dull emotional moment with me. I feel like i'm on a roller coaster all the time. I can only look forward to my future. I see so much hope and I just hope I don't let myself down. Above is a picture of the list i started tonight....a list of things I will complete before I die. :) I have a lot more to add to it

Don't Waste My Time

I'm not sure what it is inside of a person that feels the need to shut other people out. I know I've done that in the past, but that usually stemmed from making horrible decisions in my life that I didn't want others to know I was making. It hurts to have someone you care about just drop you "like a hot potato" for no apparent reason. I can't help but feel like it's something I've done. One of my best friends gradually stopped talking to me a couple years ago until the only contact we had was a brief quartlerly exchange on facebook. I had simply accepted that we would never be close again regardless of how much I missed this person. One day a few months ago, out of the blue, I get a call from a familar person! The point of the phone call was basically to explain their absence and to say sorry; from there we started babbling like there hadn't been a lag in our frienship. It felt as natural as breathing to talk again. That was unfortuately the end of it, and since then I have been all but deleted from their life once again. I confronted the situation and got nothing in responce except "i dont know why i did this to you again". I honestly can't figure out why this person even bothered contacting me again; it just opened up an old wound to fester.

I have few friends who I really trust. Now I have one less. I care so much for the friendships in my life! Even though I live more than 10 hours from everyone doesn't mean I want to be disregarded. I believe that a good friendship is 50% 50%. I don't like to be or want to be the only person who makes an effort. I have no idea what to do with the situation with my friend. I guess I should just let it go, it's not worth thinking about since it only upsets me. I am finding it hard not to get hurt though, especially when I know all the stuff we have been through and told each other.

You should know, if you read this, that I have always cherished our friendship. You know more about me than most of the people in my life. I've always been able to be transparent with you; something I rarely find in a friendship. You never judged me, you never were anything less that the greatest friend I could ask for. I just hope you realize I'm not going to sit around and let you come and go as you please. Either you are a friend or you aren't. I don't know if friendships don't mean as much to you as they do to me but there is nothing [other than my marriage ] that I care more about than my good friends. My friends are just branches off of my family in my eyes. I'll be very sad to see you go if that's what you choose to do.

Clarity.......as i wrote this

I'm finding it very hard to give of myself right now. I don't know if that is selfish or not, or self preservation. There seems to be a void in me that isn't being met....and due to that I'm internally curling up to avoid getting hurt or accidentally giving out the rest of the energy and life in me. Some days I honestly feel like I am quite possibly the only person on this planet who feels so empty. Being empty is like a wildfire spreading through my veins, igniting negativity in every aspect of my life. My weight, my jobless state, my photography, my marriage, my self worth....I just feel less than average in everything. I picked up my "Love Dare" book today to begin it again...and reading just the first few days worth made me feel like I might emotionally suffocate. I have no energy or love to give, and yet somehow I'll find it in me to do these dares and manage to find a place on my knees where I can gain the strength to get through this week. It's been so long since I gave all of me to the Lord; and it's about time I did again. I never remember feeling like this when my spiritual life was moving in the right direction. I'm in the worst place i can be, lukewarm. I need to be moving forward again and trusting God with my life. I need His love more than I can comprehend right now. I feel like a walking corpse, there is no life or patience or motivation in me. How can I expect to be able to love my husband like I should if I am expecting him to fill this void rather than relying on Christ to pour His love into me and through me. It's been so long since I've walked steadily with the Lord, I have no idea what to do next. I'm such a stupid girl. I can't believe how much I've let my husband down. It's ridiculous that I haven't realized what was going on until now. I've honestly felt like I wasn't getting out of my relationship what I needed, but all this time I've expected my husband to fill the void that only God's love can fill. I'm not sure how but this all just became apparent to me. I have no idea what to do now except start seeking the Lord wholeheartedly and build a wall up to the negative wildfire the devil likes to start..

Well, that was all very unexpected. It's very strange the ways God will speak to you. I have some clarity now. I know now whats missing, and perhaps I have missed my calling afterall. I was always called to ministry is some form, I think it's time to begin moving forward again. I hate being lukewarm, it rots the spirit. I'm ready for my life to change

Did I Miss My Calling

I'm suddenly having a bi-polar evening. Earlier things seemed to be going great. It wasn't until later that I realized no one even gives a crap about my photography. I might as well just quit. That's a horrible attitude I know, but I just wish it was appreciated. I have no clue how to get my name out. Before I moved out of Rutherford County I was starting to get my name out but then...obviously I left so there went all those years of work. I don't know how to describe it, maybe an author who didn't sell any of his publishings would feel the same. "What's the F*ing point" I want to scream. [as of this moment] I need to get to the point where I don't care if photography takes me anywhere and just do it for the love of it. It's just hard to do that when I've dreamed of having my own studio since I was 11 or 12. I also realize how few friends I have that even care to invest 5 min of their time a week into checking out my new work and encouraging me. Do you realize people how much motivation is based on encouragement!!!! Wait...what's the point to even writing this. Alaythea is the only one who reads this. [i love you for it!!!!] I'm discouraged. I don't know who is even my friends these days. I know facebook is a bad way to judge these type of things....it's just had sometimes not to think about it.

Please don't make any remarks about this. I'm not directing this to any one person i'm just in general feeling very alone and my work feels like it's going no where. [yes my work has an emotion all of its own] Poo. I need a direction.....

Inspired [for the moment at least]

I spent today taking care Zoe, Ashley's daughter...Ashley being my friend Matt's girlfriend! Zoe is quite a character; very serious for a 3 year old. Matt & Ashley are expecting their own little boy in July. I can't wait to do his infant pictures. Anyways, today was fun. We went to the park, shared a grape fruit, and I got to take pictures for the first time since I left NC. --- I'm also pretty stoked because tomorrow I have an interview for a job at Starbucks. I worked there in 2006 and loved it and I certainly wouldn't mind that job for the time being. I'm on a year wait for the Coast Guard...apparently NO active duty is being signed in right now. They are doing me a "professional courtesy" and allowing me to go to Meps and take the test to see if I am qualified for the military. It's just a waiting game now. It's just been an all around good day. I'm looking forward to a nice motorcycle ride with Jamie tomorrow afternoon too!! I can't help but smile every time i hop on the bike with him. It's so invigorating and makes me feel as much like a bird as I ever will. I'm going to kick back and enjoy my evening. Give myself a pedicure, have a couple glasses of wine and listen to some good music.

my little Irish friend.

dog with green hair.

Got My Pinchers On

It's that time of year again. You know, the time of year where you can walk up to a complete stranger and pinch the hell out of them just because they aren't wearing green. I'm excited about this. I'm working security from 4-7pm for an Irish Pub called Durty Nelly's. It should be a fun gig to work, hopefully I'll get to pinch some people while on duty. Since it's only a 3 hour shift I think the hubby and I will go enjoy a pint of green beer together afterwards. Our country is funny, every holiday is pretty much an excuse for millions of people to get intoxicated, especially St Pattys Day! Then later tonight it looks like it's video chatting time with my love! I look forward to video chatting more than I should. But hey, I have no social life down here. The day is getting away from me as I sit here typing so I'm going to the gym now. Then I'm going to get dinner pre-done so all I have to do is heat it up when i get home.

[side note: my dreams have been VERY strange the past few nights. I dreamed i had a baby who came out walking. I dreamed last night that I stole a streel-grey Charger while on a ministry trip; i spent the rest of that dream freaking out that the cops were going to arrest me. I dreamed a couple nights ago about an 18 ft Aligator chasing me and my sister around while we were actually trying to find 2 of our friends we thought had been eaten by this monster of an aligator. needless to say I" haven't felt very rested.]

Happy St Patricks Day everyone!!! Be safe. Wear Green or be prepared...my pinchers are on and working over-time today! [quote on my necklace above: "may the best day of your past be the worst day of your future - Irish Blessing"]

Success

Our yard sale was a HUGE success. We "made out like bandits" as we called it. Our trip to New Orleans is now fully funded. I didn't get much sleep over the weekend. We were up by 4:30 both mornings to set up and didn't get to sleep until 11 or later. I ended up looking like a lobster from the neck up, I under-estimated the Florida sun in March. I'm not complaining, at least i have a color now. We met some interesting people at our yard sale, we had some Haitians completely rip us off but it didn't matter in the end; as long as the stuff didn't come home with us we were happy. Now I have a lot of planning to do...I'm going to look up all the "must see" sites in New Orleans to make sure Jamie doesn't miss out. We are going to find some great restaurants to eat at too. I can't wait for this trip!!

In a day or two I'll have my sister's ticket to Clearwater booked and then I'll be planning that visit as well. This summer is going to be fun. I'm still catching up on sleep right now though, it's 1:39am. Good morning world.....i'm going to sleep.

One Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure

After months of sorting through all of our mounds of stuff and all of my inlaws mounds of stuff we are finally ready for our yard sale! It's going to be impressive to say the least. There will be a little bit of everything. I sure hope the weather doesn't do anything drastic this weekend. Forecast says today is it for the rain...and I sure hope they are right. I can't believe how much rain we have had today! If all goes well and we make enough of the green stuff I can take my baby on a nice trip to New Orleans. I have a cousin there and we have a mutual friend there as well so we will be able to see some loved ones in the process. I haven't been back to New Orleans since Katrina so I don't know how much it has changed...and I'm curious to see. Jamie has never been there, so I'm excited to take him to the French Quarter and the Markets and that awesome restaurant that served me whole calimari! [i was 7...it was tramatic]It blows my mind to think that we've never been on a trip together for the sake of taking a trip. It's always been about seeing family.

On another note, my diet is starting to pay off. Slowly I'm starting to see changes, now I just need a regular work out routine and I would be golden. I've been eating a lot of fruits and veggies, lean meats, very little bread and drinking water only. I stay away from anything in a bag or a box. haha! That seems to be a good rule for me. Nothing but fat and sugar and oils and salt comes in those.

I should be packing right now. We have to leave before too long. I'm not exactly thrilled about this ride across the state. It's pouring! And we will have a van full of stuff that will need to be unloaded tonight! I'll have to be up by 4 in the morning to get the yard sale stuff laid out. It's all literally in a pile in Stan's garage....that takes up ALL the space in there as well. *SIGH* I hope it's worth all the work I'm about to put forth. More updates at the end of the weekend.

Spinning Faster and Faster

I remember being little, the weeks dragged on forever....and the weekends were never long enough. A school year felt like an eternity. I honestly thought that when adults said "enjoy it while it lasts" that they were trying to just get me to stop complaining. I never thought time would speed up and start flying by the way it does now. All my friends are having children, I stumbled onto an old friend's FB page just a few minutes ago and saw that not only did he get the girl he was dating prego..but he apparently married her and then had a second child with her. Gah, I liked the world when I was little. I don't feel grown enough for all this adulthood stuff. Parenting? I still feel too young to be in the same generation as all of my peers who have kids. Apparently some of them already on #2 or #3. I'm not bitter about it but I feel sad. I wonder if half of them are even happy. Getting knocked up and then having to get married and raise a child you weren't planning on having till your late 20's. I can't help but to put myself in their shoes and I have a feeling I would be bitter that I had to give up my youth. I understand some girls want a child early and that's all fine and good; but I hate it that so many of them don't want kids but don't have the common sense to use protection. I don't even know why the schools bother with Sex Education. It doesn't do any good. I've seen so many girls 14..15..16 getting pregnant and then KEEPING the baby. Hello, Adoption is definately an option ladies. Why can't sex before marriage be enough? Why does it have to be kids before marriage too? And why on earth does having a child with someone mean you have to marry them, so many couples who do that aren't in the marriage for the right reasons and then guess what....divorse.

I wish time would slow back down. I wish that everytime I got online I didn't see someone else I knew as a kid with their own. I wish people would stop wanting to grow up so fast. I guess I'm a selfish person to feel this way. I can't help it though. To each his own....