Heart Ties

I don't know if I can even find the words to really express myself right now. I feel very confused about the people in my life that I call friends or still love as a friend. Which ones actually care as much about me as I do about them. I have people in my life who I haven't seen in several years that I absolutely love to death and think about often; sadly I don't know if I even run through their minds. I think one of the worst feelings in the world is having someone who was at one point in time your very best friend just stop talking to you. The reason why doesn't even matter...it's just so sad to watch someone who will always carry a part of your heart just walk away with it. I wonder if I could have done something that would have made a difference in how our friendships have dissipated. There isn't a single one that has "ended" in a fight or even on bad terms; it's been mostly just time and events in our life pulling us in separate directions. I hate that!!! Why do people stop being close to one another just because they can't see each other or because of life just keeps moving forward. I miss my friends....all of them. All the ones I grew up with and never see or talk to anymore. I miss them terribly! it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I miss the ones who are still in contact with me & I'm scared of losing them like I have others. I don't know what I can do to rekindle friendships....I try to always make a gesture to let them know how much i miss them & care about them. So far I haven't felt like any one of them feels how I do.

I know people will come and go in my life, but I don't understand why the people closest to me have to fall away. I want to be 50 or 60 and still be close to the people I love now. I want my kids to know their kids...and I just wish it could be like that more. I don't want to lose any more friendships. I don't feel like people really understand how loyal a friend I am. I've said this before in a blog...my true friends to me are looked at as family in my eyes. There isn't one thing I wouldn't do for them. Maybe I'm ridiculous to think that I can keep friends for a lifetime, but I just don't see whats so hard about it. I'm honestly afraid to branch out here in Florida and make friends because I just feel like the same thing will happen all over again. I just want to know that I mean as much to the people I love as they mean to me.

It's getting late. I doubt I'll be able to sleep but I need to try. I worked all night last night & tonight and I work tomorrow too. Seems they are only putting me on the schedule on weekends. We got a new GM & he has cut everyones hours back to save the restaurant money during the slow season. I'm just thankful he has me working the days I make the most money.