DANGER

I've tried to write this blog several times, I just can't seem to find the right words to express it right. Recently, as you know, I started working in the restaurant business. I've met lots of new and interesting people there. I'm still assessing personalities to see who is worth getting to know and who isn't. One girl really stuck out to me and I had high hopes of us becoming close friends. She was very open with me about her spiritual walk and seemed to share similar values as myself. I felt very comfortable around her and was beginning to open up to her about some personal things in my life as well. Last weekend I was invited to her house for a jewelry party, "Finally" I thought "a girls night out with some new friends!" Shortly after arriving I became aware of a situation that shocked me and make me very uncomfortable. I guess some marriages don't consider other females to be off limits. I came face to face with my own demons when I was least expecting it. I guess in conversation the idea of bringing someone else in on the fun, if you know what I'm saying, seemed like a fun idea to throw around. I found that coming face to face with the reality is actually disgusting and hurtful. I felt like I had been lied to! I was under the impression this girl was really seeking the Lord and trying to get her walk with God closer. Come to find out she seems to be a lot of talk and not alot of follow through. It blows my mind that she doesn't understand why her husband is so clingy and doesn't trust her out of his sight; maybe because you cheat on him right in front of him! He may say it is "okay" with him because society has taught that it is sexy for two females to be in the same bed with a man. But biblically being unfaithful isn't limited to the opposite sex. Trust is broken no matter how you look at it. I don't think she or her husband realize how deeply this will wound their relationship until much later. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this over the past 10 days. I was so upset about it, realizing that the one person I've met who seemed like a quality person was very deep into some things that I know I can never give myself a chance to be around. I'm so disgusted with society today, planting ideas into the heads of youth and families everywhere. It's cool to have a threesome, it's cool to experiment with girls, it's good to experiment so you can really find out who you are.....really people! It's not cool to do any of those things. Especially in the confines of a marriage. I'm not an exception, I've seen the lines blur into grey on these topics, but the closer I get to the Lord the more I see how truly black and white the lines are. I guess God had a plan for me when I met this girl, even though I'm upset that I will see no friendship blossom, she did lead me to a place in life where I allowed God to heal and forgive me. I'm glad that instead of getting angry that I have allowed God to remold me.

This evening Jamie & I are home and working on an old chest I bought. I'm hoping to finish it before before everyone gets here. I can't believe my mom, my best friend & her family will be here in 2 days! It hasn't even set in yet. I've been so caught up in things here. I can't wait!!! I miss them so much. Anyways I've got this old chest that I bought back in E-City and had every hope to restore it, but its just been sitting here catching dust. I'm taping over the metal today so I can spray paint it and then I'm going to get a green or maybe a blue to paint the metal with. It will be storage for all the blankets I have stacked against the wall in the back bedroom. I'll post pics! i'll update later.

My Birthday Through Pictures

he got mad that i was taking his picture and flew away
great blue heron



doin a little dance through the woods
clam
little begger. He took the nut right out of my hand.
big tree by the gulf
dead flowers

I spent my birthday afternoon at a state park. It was nice to just spend some time with my hubby doing what I love. We had squirrels begging for food and sea gulls swarming us. We found a hermit crab and some live clams that would just sit in our hand and open their shell up...it was cool! I'm tired though, I have to work for the rest of the week. I did find a bathing suit earlier today that I got on sale for $20; it had been $100. I love getting deals. I missed getting to talk to my sister today, but it doesn't help that my phone has been broken. Well it's bed time for me. Good night world.

The Clock Strikes 12

refreshing drink
my birthday plant
counting down

enjoying spring time sun

Well it's that time of year again. I've pretty much passed all major milestones in my life except AARP and senior discounts; I guess "Over The Hill" is waiting on me as well. I'll be turning 23 in about 43 minutes. I have nothing to do tomorrow, but I'm trying not to think about that since it might encourage crying fits or something melodramatic like that. Unfortunately my birthday tends to fall right in the middle of bad situations...[for instance my parents separation] this year Jamie's grammy died yesterday, and it's been very hard for him. It has only caused me to be sad as well. I don't do well watching my hubby upset. Keep us in your prayers please.

I've got to get some groceries tomorrow..i hate the grocery store. It takes forever to get everything i need. I need to get to the gym as well. I've put that off due to how busy i have been with work.

Gosh, I'm just soaked with self pity. I'm good for nothing right now. I should probably get some sleep...I want tomorrow to be a happy day for me. Night.

Little Bit of This & A Little Bit of That

I'm deprived of sleep and my best friend right now. I haven't talked to Kristen and had a quality conversation with her in weeks it seems. That depressed me in a way I don't like at all! I have a strange co-dependant need for her input in my daily life. We were doing really good at video chatting for awhile....not so much anymore. I think I'll send her a card to apologize for my inability to balance my life with all this work stuff I seem to be caught doing lately.

And I need some sleep. I can hear my husband snoring in the other room right now. It's pretty funny, I've become a fan of ear plugs recently. I'm actually rather co-dependant with them as well now. I doubt I can sleep without them. I never used to use them, I always just elbowed him in the side so he would roll over long enough so i could fall asleep before the snoring started up again. I'm not sure why I decided to use earplugs, but now that I have I can't seem to sleep at all without them. Even when he isn't home the little noises the dogs make or the cars outside and stuff keep me up. It's pretty pathetic. WOW, seriously....I just wrote a paragraph on my need for earplugs. This is a really deep topic, I'm sorry if reading this makes you uneasy. I guess I needed to get all that off my chest!

Now that the serious stuff has been said, [im cracking up at myself right now] I guess I shall fill you in briefly on my job and all that boring stuff. So I'm a waitress at a small chain called BD's Mongolian Grill. It's a pretty cool place and the food is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! Not to mention very healthy too. I've had some moments of sheer panic at the idea of serving again [my last waitressing jobs were horrible!] but im actually really enjoying this place. I work with some great people [some not so great as well]. Being around people again really has put my life in perspective, I realize how good I have it and how selfish I have been. I was already aware of my selfishness, but God is really giving me understanding and begining to change my heart in a lot of ways. I have a girl at work who is really a blessing to me! She shares many of the same views on life and Christ as I do. She grew up in a spirit filled church and is married with no kids like me as well. I'm really looking forward to getting to know her, I think we will be able to encourage each other and help each other get back on track.

I'm going to spend tomorrow doing nothing terribly important, maybe give the dogs a bath and tan some. Possibly go to the beach or take a nap. At some point I'll have to head to the gym and do some laps in the pool for cardio and then do abs and squats and pushups. I wish getting fit wasn't such a long process but ya know what nothing worth while happens quickly. I've got a layer on me right now that I have to shed....it wasn't there last summer and I don't like it. Especially my legs, they have always been so hard for me to tone. I have a tendancy to bulk up rather than slim down. I think God gave me man muscles on accident.

I'm enjoying this beautiful weather, so are my dogs. While we were in Vero last weekend we stopped at a wildlife reserve and let them run around and they were having so much fun. At this point in my life there is nothing that makes me smile as much as to see them romping through the grass at full speed. It's like running around is the best thing in the world to them. Especially little timmy, he is so tiny & it's so cute to watch him get so excited. It's 1:09....I should get some sleep. I have to get my darling husband up in a little more than 4 hours. Pics above are courtesy of my hubby :)

I'm slow moving this morning. I think the weekend is finally catching up with me! We were in Vero for the weekend at my sister in law's wedding. It was a good time, drama included. [what wedding doesn't include some] I had some booze while I was there, and I wish I hadn't because I gained 3 lbs. Bah! I hit the gym last night and I am going today for a little while before work too. My abs are back though!!!! I'm pretty excited about that, now I just need to get my legs back in shape. That will take some time. My goal weight is 115, and to maintain that. Which pretty much means I can't drink. Unless I'm doing shots [which i don't prefer] I always gain. So many stinking carbs and calories in drinks.

There isn't much to report on about the wedding, same as any other. I did have a great time with my family though. Especially Lindsey, we always have fun together. :) Jamie & I have had a turning point. I hope it's not just a phase but something that lasts. We are both really trying to give more and be more understanding. I really need to get stuff done around here. I'm so not motivated to do anything. Work for the rest of the week....this should be exciting.

It's Monday Once Again

Good morning world! I had a very strange dream last night. Very strange indeed. I'm loving how all my dreams now involve some aspect of waitressing. Last night I dreamed about a girl I used to know when I lived in High Point, NC. She was a good friend for awhile but I began to see that if I continued being her friend I'd end up in a VERY bad place and be caught up in a lot of things I didn't want to be apart of. She is the only person I considered a friend that I completely walked away from without every saying a word. It used to eat at me that I did that to her; but I know it was the right thing to do. My point is I haven't thought about her in a couple years and now I'm wondering why on earth my subconscious pulled her out of a locked drawer. I'm debating looking her up to see what she is up to. I should probably leave it alone and let my past demons stay in the past. Yes, I should be moving forward....not backward in this.

Today I hope will be a productive day. We are going to McDill AFB to get our taxes done. [we are slackers waiting till the last minute] We drove there a couple days ago and I was amazed at the size of that place. It's the size of the city I live in. We are throwing around the idea of living on base there; that would be interesting. My other plan for today is to get to the gym. We got a membership to LA Fitness! The place is huge, it's got a pool, sauna, hot tub, basket ball, free weights, and 100's of cardio machines. I'm sure I'll be able to find a system I like and get into working out again. I'm finally motivated, now that all this warm weather is here I realize my body isnt where I'd like it to be for swim suit season. :) I've got to leave in a minute, so I'll write later.

It Hurts!!!!

Tonight I'm wishing I was someone else. I'm wishing I didn't have to face this mound of issues, I just want to move on to more exciting things. I'm wishing I didn't spend all last night crying and all night tonight sorting through the wreckage. What do I do next. I know I'm not God but I feel like I have a glimpse into his heart right now and I feel like I understand a fraction of how hurt he must be knowing he can't control a person's free will. I hate selfishness. I hate being so concerned with my own needs and my own hurts. It's hard to let that go and to focus on someone else's needs instead. I know life comes in seasons; I know that this season isn't one I'm going to enjoy. My only hope is that I make it through it and have learned many lessons. I'm going to have to take things a day at a time and spend most of that time in prayer. The scripture I'm trying to apply to my life right now is Phil 2:3..."do nothing out of selfishness or empty conceit but with humility of mind consider others as more important than yourself." Basically that means defy every aspect of being human. I'm not very good at this. Maybe if I had a child I would find this lesson in life to be much less of a challenge, but as of right now it is. ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!!!!! That's what I want to focus on, fixing me. But I know I can't. It's now about fixing me so that not only myself can have peace but also my husband. It's not a one man show....don't you love the lessons the first year of marriage brings our way. I have no intent on pretending that this is easy; for those of you just entering marriage.....be prepared for some hard work.

I do love being married, it's simply not the easiest thing to do. I'm going to bed now. I will get through this, we will be stronger in the end. God I need you. *deep breath* I'll report back soon...let me go now and struggle with my human nature.