Clarity.......as i wrote this

I'm finding it very hard to give of myself right now. I don't know if that is selfish or not, or self preservation. There seems to be a void in me that isn't being met....and due to that I'm internally curling up to avoid getting hurt or accidentally giving out the rest of the energy and life in me. Some days I honestly feel like I am quite possibly the only person on this planet who feels so empty. Being empty is like a wildfire spreading through my veins, igniting negativity in every aspect of my life. My weight, my jobless state, my photography, my marriage, my self worth....I just feel less than average in everything. I picked up my "Love Dare" book today to begin it again...and reading just the first few days worth made me feel like I might emotionally suffocate. I have no energy or love to give, and yet somehow I'll find it in me to do these dares and manage to find a place on my knees where I can gain the strength to get through this week. It's been so long since I gave all of me to the Lord; and it's about time I did again. I never remember feeling like this when my spiritual life was moving in the right direction. I'm in the worst place i can be, lukewarm. I need to be moving forward again and trusting God with my life. I need His love more than I can comprehend right now. I feel like a walking corpse, there is no life or patience or motivation in me. How can I expect to be able to love my husband like I should if I am expecting him to fill this void rather than relying on Christ to pour His love into me and through me. It's been so long since I've walked steadily with the Lord, I have no idea what to do next. I'm such a stupid girl. I can't believe how much I've let my husband down. It's ridiculous that I haven't realized what was going on until now. I've honestly felt like I wasn't getting out of my relationship what I needed, but all this time I've expected my husband to fill the void that only God's love can fill. I'm not sure how but this all just became apparent to me. I have no idea what to do now except start seeking the Lord wholeheartedly and build a wall up to the negative wildfire the devil likes to start..

Well, that was all very unexpected. It's very strange the ways God will speak to you. I have some clarity now. I know now whats missing, and perhaps I have missed my calling afterall. I was always called to ministry is some form, I think it's time to begin moving forward again. I hate being lukewarm, it rots the spirit. I'm ready for my life to change