Day 2 of P90x

I STARTED p90x!!!! Yesturday was my first work out and today I feel it all over. I did the core synergistcs video first. Today is cardio and ab ripper. It's nice to be sore, I'm not so sure I'll like the feeling in a few days from now concidering I'm working out every day this week. I'm very thankful for the book I mentioned in my last blog, it was the extra boost I needed to get me off my butt and to quit making excuses.

I've got a few days off to get some stuff done around the house, and in town. I'm going to read all day tomorrow, I'd like to finish that book. We have a meeting for our business tomorrow night as well. I'm excited, Jamie and I have branched out in faith to try our wings at something new. Hopefully we will be able to generate cash and make some extra money. Well this is a short blog, I dont have much to say.

= ] bye bye

BIG CHANGE

I have decided to take the lemons I've been handed and make lemonade. I know there is so much more I can do to make my own quality of life, and that of my husband, better. I've spend the past couple weeks hurting, crying, seeking answers to questions that are far beyond my reach only to realize that I can do nothing about it. I'm only hurting myself by staying so upset about everything. I've started reading the book 'The Magic of Thinking BIG' and it's already changing the way I see myself and others. Even more so it is changing how I want to react to situations in life and the type of attitude I want to have. I've always been more on the pessimistic side of life and I never have liked it. I know it's not natural for my personality type to be super upbeat when things get rough, but who's to say I can't change me. I'm at the point now where I don't want to look at things and say "I can't" or give excuses for why something can't be done. I know it's not going to happen over night but I'm ready to begin doing a remodeling on my heart and attitude. I'm ready to stop looking at ministry like it's a mountain I can't climb, and stop thinking that I'll never really open the photography studio I want so badly. I'm going to speak my goals and trust God with the rest. All this stuff I've known and heard before but I never cared enough to put forth the effort to make the changes in myself. For 23 years I've allowed negative thoughts to take ground over positive ones, but starting now I've got a new outlook. I'm writing scriptures and positive sayings on 3x5 cards and putting them in my house in random places to encourage me.

I'm DONE sulking and letting the bad situations around me bring me down. I'm DONE feeling sorry for myself. I'm DONE sitting at home making excuses for everything I'm not getting done. Monday [a.k.a. tomorrow] I'm starting p90x. No more excuses. I'm going to think positive and push through and make a difference in my health. I'm not going to think about how much better it would be if I had a partner to do it with, or if I had someone to help me with my diet plan or if I didn't have asthma. No more excuses. NONE. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life living only 50% of the time. I want to enjoy and get the most out of my life 100% of the time. Instead of thinking I can't, I'm going to think of how I can.

"The right attitude and one arm will beat the wrong attitude and two arms every time"

STORM

I don't think i can handle anything else emotionally right now. I can't talk to anyone about whats going on, and things just keep compounding. I don't want to talk to anyone at this point because I have nothing happy to say and I have to keep everything else confidental. I'd rather not have to fake a conversation like I'm okay. I'm angry; Actually I don't even think I'm that anymore, I'm numb. I just want all this to be over with and in the past....and I want peace. I don't understand why all the bad things have to hit right at once. back to back to back. Can I at least cope with one thing first before I get hit with another. Not to mention my best friend is dealing with a death in her family and we are both spent and can't do anything except sit there in silence on the phone with each other. There are no words of comfort sometimes....just the comfort of having someone hurt right along with you on the other line.

I know how I handle situations in life is my own choice. I just feel like some situations are bigger than what I can cope with and I shut down. I'm frustrated because I haven't found a church here and I know if I had found one that suited us that I would be more hopeful than I am now during all this. I've researched some others that I will visit; I know God will show us the right place. I just wish I had that support right now.

To top all the other stuff off that I've been going through I found out today that instead of getting almost $1000 back for my camera [which would allow me to buy a D90] I'm getting less than $300. There will be no camera upgrade for me in the near future.

Where is the oxygen in here. I have got to let go of some serious stuff. I've cried more tears in the last 2 weeks than I've cried since my last break up. I've been praying and I just wonder where God is right now. This has zapped my energy. I finally have all the stuff I need for P90x and I can barely find the energy to get out of bed. I know this is all the devil right now and he won't win; but he sure is putting up a good fight. God please be near me and my family during everyting happening. Let your will be done, and let me grow stronger as a person and grow closer to you. I'm sorry for trying to control all of this by myself.

i hate this

and i can't tell anyone.

Last Day of May

Well, tomorrow begins the 6th month of 2010. I can't believe this much of the year has already come and gone. I'm working lunch shift today and then I have all week off pretty much. It's been very encouraging to hear from customers and other servers how good of a job they think I'm doing. I was so scared to be a server after my high school experience in the restaurant industry. even though it's not what I want to do for a long time it's nice to know I'm at least good at it. Anyways, during my days off I plan on spending some time at the beach working on skim boarding. I'm horrible at it but I'd like to get better. Hmmm....i may be covered in bruises if I do try though.

I must say this...I MISS MY CAMERA SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who ever stole it better be getting some good use out of it. I'm so inspired by some of my fb friends. There is one guy who's work is absolutely incredible! He's got such a good eye for very abstract shots. After looking at his stuff it made me want to go take my camera out and try some new things. Alas, there is no camera. *SIGH* There is still so much i want to learn how to do with my camera. I guess most of it actually has to do with learning how to use photoshop. I've never once used it and I need to learn. It's so expensive though.

June is upon us, and I don't know what is going on this month. We had really thought seriously about going to New Orleans but I don't think we can afford it. I guess some of our yardsale money got put in the account and never got taken back out..therefore got spent. I want to go see Seth and Lauren but I just don't know if that will happen or not. :( In July or August we are going to Indiana for Jamie's family reunion, and since I still haven't met any of his family on his dad's side I think that should take priority. We will see. I gotta go to work soon....And i have nothing else to say right now.

Happy Things

*Having overly ripe sweet grapefruit juice running down my face
*Laying out in the sweltering sun until I sweat & then slipping into the cold pool
*A really cold beer
*steel drums
*having people wonder what in the world could be so interesting to take pictures of in a field of grass
*regae music
*how my little dog curls up right next me to all night long
*The feeling of being clean after a hot shower
*Dancing to a song who's beat speaks to my soul.
*I love being completely submerged in water. I wish i could hold my breath forever
*Being served fresh seafood & steamed veggies while I sit outdoors watching the ocean
*how an acoustic guitar sounds in an empty room
*the feeling of pure excitement after a long car ride, when I'm finally rolling into my destination.
*i love how i don't care anymore if people like me or not.

I wish every day could be completely perfect...if i could spend every day outdoors or at the beach or in the water....

Jamie comes home from Vero tonight. I've missed him. I work tonight and tomorrow and then I'll probably have the week off again. I might ride to vero myself & see my father in law & niece. Or I may take Brian up on going snorkling!!! He saw a manatee and got to pet it. I think that sounds pretty awesome. I'd like to do that. I'm happy today. i love being happy. I wish I was always this happy! haha.

NO Wedding Pictures

I'm very sad, my one year anniversary is coming up and I don't have any of my wedding photos or engagement photos. I can't afford them. I don't know what to do about it....I guess there is nothing I can do. I just wish I had asked how much it would cost to buy them. I figured once I had shelled out almost $5,000 that I wouldn't have to spend another $3,000 to just get my hands on the pictures. I got ripped off. I'm going to start a fund and fit it into our budget and maybe in a few years I can afford them. Of all days for my camera to be out of battery [with no charger to be found] and my sisters camera to be lost it had to be my wedding day! My cousins all had to leave due to my Aunt being in the hospital [so she & my uncle didn't get to see my wedding] and my cousin was the one with the video camera.....so I had no video of my wedding either. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why ME!!! The one thing I cared most about was the pictures and i have nothing. The only ones I do have I took with my camera through my computer screen as i was watching the "slide-show" the photographers sent me.

I'm looking at all my friends and my cousin posting their wedding photos and it makes me want to cry every time because I don't have any. NOT FAIR. If anyone reads this and you happened to be at my wedding and took pictures of it please send me a disk of the photos. I'd love to print some out to send to my grandparents and family.

Sorry to complain but this bothers me so much.