It Hurts!!!!

Tonight I'm wishing I was someone else. I'm wishing I didn't have to face this mound of issues, I just want to move on to more exciting things. I'm wishing I didn't spend all last night crying and all night tonight sorting through the wreckage. What do I do next. I know I'm not God but I feel like I have a glimpse into his heart right now and I feel like I understand a fraction of how hurt he must be knowing he can't control a person's free will. I hate selfishness. I hate being so concerned with my own needs and my own hurts. It's hard to let that go and to focus on someone else's needs instead. I know life comes in seasons; I know that this season isn't one I'm going to enjoy. My only hope is that I make it through it and have learned many lessons. I'm going to have to take things a day at a time and spend most of that time in prayer. The scripture I'm trying to apply to my life right now is Phil 2:3..."do nothing out of selfishness or empty conceit but with humility of mind consider others as more important than yourself." Basically that means defy every aspect of being human. I'm not very good at this. Maybe if I had a child I would find this lesson in life to be much less of a challenge, but as of right now it is. ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!!!!! That's what I want to focus on, fixing me. But I know I can't. It's now about fixing me so that not only myself can have peace but also my husband. It's not a one man show....don't you love the lessons the first year of marriage brings our way. I have no intent on pretending that this is easy; for those of you just entering marriage.....be prepared for some hard work.

I do love being married, it's simply not the easiest thing to do. I'm going to bed now. I will get through this, we will be stronger in the end. God I need you. *deep breath* I'll report back soon...let me go now and struggle with my human nature.

How Does One Become Extraordinary?

I am amazed again and again by these child prodigies I keep running across on youtube. I just listened to a 5 year old play a song so beautiful it made me want to cry. I can only imagine how far a gifted child could go in life. It makes me wonder though what makes a child or a person in general so extraordinary? Is talent like that born into a person? I wish I could go back and make my childhood self be good at something, to excel at something rather. I wonder if I had been truly gifted in one area where I would be now. I think I limit myself with my own brain most of the time and don't trust myself enough to excel. If I had one dream I would want to come true I would want to be a National Geographic Photographer. I would want to capture life and images of the world and have them published and acknowledged by millions.

For me being ordinary isn't good enough. I know I was made for bigger and better things than being an ordinary person. I know I'm no prodigy but I know this ordinary life I'm living isn't how it will always be. I understand that some people are comfortable to blend in and just live an average simple life, but I just can't see myself being in those shoes forever. Right now my life seems so average but on the inside of me it's a whirlwind of dreams and goals and plans that have yet to unfold. I want to live an extraordinary life. When my life is ended I want to be able to rest knowing I've done everything I wanted and that I have lived out the calling God has on my life. I feel like a slug who wants to run a marathon. haha! I feel like I cant get things moving fast enough to get where I want to be.

This life is something else...never a dull emotional moment with me. I feel like i'm on a roller coaster all the time. I can only look forward to my future. I see so much hope and I just hope I don't let myself down. Above is a picture of the list i started tonight....a list of things I will complete before I die. :) I have a lot more to add to it

Don't Waste My Time

I'm not sure what it is inside of a person that feels the need to shut other people out. I know I've done that in the past, but that usually stemmed from making horrible decisions in my life that I didn't want others to know I was making. It hurts to have someone you care about just drop you "like a hot potato" for no apparent reason. I can't help but feel like it's something I've done. One of my best friends gradually stopped talking to me a couple years ago until the only contact we had was a brief quartlerly exchange on facebook. I had simply accepted that we would never be close again regardless of how much I missed this person. One day a few months ago, out of the blue, I get a call from a familar person! The point of the phone call was basically to explain their absence and to say sorry; from there we started babbling like there hadn't been a lag in our frienship. It felt as natural as breathing to talk again. That was unfortuately the end of it, and since then I have been all but deleted from their life once again. I confronted the situation and got nothing in responce except "i dont know why i did this to you again". I honestly can't figure out why this person even bothered contacting me again; it just opened up an old wound to fester.

I have few friends who I really trust. Now I have one less. I care so much for the friendships in my life! Even though I live more than 10 hours from everyone doesn't mean I want to be disregarded. I believe that a good friendship is 50% 50%. I don't like to be or want to be the only person who makes an effort. I have no idea what to do with the situation with my friend. I guess I should just let it go, it's not worth thinking about since it only upsets me. I am finding it hard not to get hurt though, especially when I know all the stuff we have been through and told each other.

You should know, if you read this, that I have always cherished our friendship. You know more about me than most of the people in my life. I've always been able to be transparent with you; something I rarely find in a friendship. You never judged me, you never were anything less that the greatest friend I could ask for. I just hope you realize I'm not going to sit around and let you come and go as you please. Either you are a friend or you aren't. I don't know if friendships don't mean as much to you as they do to me but there is nothing [other than my marriage ] that I care more about than my good friends. My friends are just branches off of my family in my eyes. I'll be very sad to see you go if that's what you choose to do.

Clarity.......as i wrote this

I'm finding it very hard to give of myself right now. I don't know if that is selfish or not, or self preservation. There seems to be a void in me that isn't being met....and due to that I'm internally curling up to avoid getting hurt or accidentally giving out the rest of the energy and life in me. Some days I honestly feel like I am quite possibly the only person on this planet who feels so empty. Being empty is like a wildfire spreading through my veins, igniting negativity in every aspect of my life. My weight, my jobless state, my photography, my marriage, my self worth....I just feel less than average in everything. I picked up my "Love Dare" book today to begin it again...and reading just the first few days worth made me feel like I might emotionally suffocate. I have no energy or love to give, and yet somehow I'll find it in me to do these dares and manage to find a place on my knees where I can gain the strength to get through this week. It's been so long since I gave all of me to the Lord; and it's about time I did again. I never remember feeling like this when my spiritual life was moving in the right direction. I'm in the worst place i can be, lukewarm. I need to be moving forward again and trusting God with my life. I need His love more than I can comprehend right now. I feel like a walking corpse, there is no life or patience or motivation in me. How can I expect to be able to love my husband like I should if I am expecting him to fill this void rather than relying on Christ to pour His love into me and through me. It's been so long since I've walked steadily with the Lord, I have no idea what to do next. I'm such a stupid girl. I can't believe how much I've let my husband down. It's ridiculous that I haven't realized what was going on until now. I've honestly felt like I wasn't getting out of my relationship what I needed, but all this time I've expected my husband to fill the void that only God's love can fill. I'm not sure how but this all just became apparent to me. I have no idea what to do now except start seeking the Lord wholeheartedly and build a wall up to the negative wildfire the devil likes to start..

Well, that was all very unexpected. It's very strange the ways God will speak to you. I have some clarity now. I know now whats missing, and perhaps I have missed my calling afterall. I was always called to ministry is some form, I think it's time to begin moving forward again. I hate being lukewarm, it rots the spirit. I'm ready for my life to change

Did I Miss My Calling

I'm suddenly having a bi-polar evening. Earlier things seemed to be going great. It wasn't until later that I realized no one even gives a crap about my photography. I might as well just quit. That's a horrible attitude I know, but I just wish it was appreciated. I have no clue how to get my name out. Before I moved out of Rutherford County I was starting to get my name out but then...obviously I left so there went all those years of work. I don't know how to describe it, maybe an author who didn't sell any of his publishings would feel the same. "What's the F*ing point" I want to scream. [as of this moment] I need to get to the point where I don't care if photography takes me anywhere and just do it for the love of it. It's just hard to do that when I've dreamed of having my own studio since I was 11 or 12. I also realize how few friends I have that even care to invest 5 min of their time a week into checking out my new work and encouraging me. Do you realize people how much motivation is based on encouragement!!!! Wait...what's the point to even writing this. Alaythea is the only one who reads this. [i love you for it!!!!] I'm discouraged. I don't know who is even my friends these days. I know facebook is a bad way to judge these type of things....it's just had sometimes not to think about it.

Please don't make any remarks about this. I'm not directing this to any one person i'm just in general feeling very alone and my work feels like it's going no where. [yes my work has an emotion all of its own] Poo. I need a direction.....

Inspired [for the moment at least]

I spent today taking care Zoe, Ashley's daughter...Ashley being my friend Matt's girlfriend! Zoe is quite a character; very serious for a 3 year old. Matt & Ashley are expecting their own little boy in July. I can't wait to do his infant pictures. Anyways, today was fun. We went to the park, shared a grape fruit, and I got to take pictures for the first time since I left NC. --- I'm also pretty stoked because tomorrow I have an interview for a job at Starbucks. I worked there in 2006 and loved it and I certainly wouldn't mind that job for the time being. I'm on a year wait for the Coast Guard...apparently NO active duty is being signed in right now. They are doing me a "professional courtesy" and allowing me to go to Meps and take the test to see if I am qualified for the military. It's just a waiting game now. It's just been an all around good day. I'm looking forward to a nice motorcycle ride with Jamie tomorrow afternoon too!! I can't help but smile every time i hop on the bike with him. It's so invigorating and makes me feel as much like a bird as I ever will. I'm going to kick back and enjoy my evening. Give myself a pedicure, have a couple glasses of wine and listen to some good music.

my little Irish friend.

dog with green hair.